I quite literally just woke up and felt the need to write this immediately. I endured one of my top 5 scariest nightmares this morning, and it had plenty to do with my 1am "Real Housewives of New York" viewing. It started pleasant enough, as Bethanny sold me a lavish, if slightly dated and eerie, penthouse uptown. I settled in and began to live almost entirely within the confines of my new castle in the sky. Walking around my penthouse, admiring my penthouse, dusting, cleaning, devising ways to maximize my penthouse... housewife stuff. Then the scary shit happened. You see, there existed a boogie man in said penthouse, one that is as terrifying and inexplicable as any predatory lurker in a child's nightmare. Simon, Alex's big gay husband, happened to be my boogieman. Now Simon is many things, (feminine and shallow, according to Ramona AKA crazy eyez) but threatening or intimidating are not his niche. In my dream however, he was scary as shit, lurking behind corners, in closets and juxtaposed with the very New York anxiety of living in a building full of people but hearing and sensing no other life beside my own was WAY too much for my little mind to handle.

I woke up in a sweat, too scared to close my bedroom door for fear of Simon's actual presence in my apartment. So I simply lied there, clenching my body pillow between my thighs and declared to myself no more "Real Housewives" before bed.