SHANNON!

I forgot all about Shannon's "Give Me Tonight" until I heard it blaring out of some crappy bodega this morning.  I find that crappy bodegas and office building door men always have the scoop on the best radio stations.  Anyway, I've been singing it all day and after the first few hours, I suddenly grasped why Shannon is asking a girl to give her one night.  Dance music can be so complicated sometimes.

ALSO

HOW TO WIN A GUY IN 10 DAYS...

...courtesy of Cosmopolitan

"WORK SUCKS BUT I SUCK HARDER"

"THIS MAGAZINE IS FULL OF GOOD IDEAS LIKE GRINDING BLACK PEPPER ON YOUR MEMBER"

PANTS OFF

In the words of my friend David Prosenko who just faked an illness to get out of going to a party with me, "don't fret just dance."

ROCKET

2009 was a pretty epic year considering I miraculously lost 85% of my once-messy social anxiety. The funny thing is I didn't even consciously work at it. I just broke some hearts, had mine broken and also came to the important realization that a lot of people in this city are really fucking boring/nervous/anxious/fake and the coolest ones are just honest and "themselves". So then it was like POOF! I woke up one day feeling powerful, fun, sexy and witty.

I also got over my Downtown-instigated pretentious indie yearnings. I'm so not that boy and I can't pretend to care about who's playing at the Bowery Ballroom next weekend when I'd much rather prefer to see Mariah Carey ON ICE.

But my most profound epiphany was that I really don't give a shit about the fashion world anymore. It could be that the recession guzzled out all the fun out or maybe working for a Fashion Editor and constantly being frazzled pulled away more than a few facades but I just like, don't really care about clothes enough. I still like to shop and see pretty things, but who doesn't? I want to be fashionable but not IN fashion.

So yeah, I'm going to audition for Glee.

(PS if I change my mind down the road, I can probably just be like Sarah Jessica Parker and become the PRESIDENT AND CHIEF CREATIVE DIRECTOR OF HALSTON WTF?)

RESOLUTIONS

Do these work? I never really made one but I they seem to be pretty popular. 2009 was hectic so I'm trying to smooth out OH TEN like I'm bathing in Febreze. If you can't think of anything, here are some suggestions but don't copy all of mine!

- When you're laying in bed tonight, (important: AFTER you touch yourself) think a lot about what you want to do every day for the rest of your life. Unless you're going to be a teacher, there are no more summer breaks (and even then you have to go on lame retreats), so whatever you choose now you might have to stick it through everysingleday til you die. Only choose the job that makes you super happy/isn't boring/is the most far-out.

- Quit smoking. I did and it was really easy so you can too.

- Use your phone. It has a caller/receiver for a reason! You're only promoting the end of human interaction by texting and sexting and bbm'ing all of your important convo's that are supposed to be delivered with the warmth and comfort of a voice.

- Forget about Lady Gaga for a little bit and RECOGNIZE:

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE NOTE

Following up on my "NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY POST", if you say you're going to call someone, you should CALL THEM. It's free, rather impersonal and if it gets shitty you can always hang up and fake a disconnect. Seriously, otherwise if you don't you just look like a wishy-washy prick.

xx
Michael

NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY

This is my mom. She was a total babe, right? Well she still is and she can kick your ass too. Not really, I mean she's a pretty classy lady. BUT. I have never met someone so stoic, honest and brilliant. Ann is like the poster woman for sticking up for yourself; an activity I often pass on participating in.

See I used to get really embarassed when my mom complained about her meal, or counted her receipts. I felt so above that behavior and watched myself slip into this disgustingly passive sandpit, where I let things slide because it seemed the ''chill'' approach or whatevs. I guess I made a lot of friends that way.

So yeah, I've been letting a lot of shit slide and suddenly I'm in this emotional, financial and physical crap-ola but momma told me it's nothing and that it's pretty ridiculous to let this stuff break me down. She also told me about the car dealer who today began their business courtship with "What's your budget?" Oh shit, Ann let him have it, "That's none of your business, I asked for the price."

I guess her response could come off tacky, but if you're confident and smart and realize that you're probably going to get fucked over, there's no reason to not protect yourself. Go Mom. So tonight I said what I had to say to someone, and tomorrow I'll do the same to someone else. And if I lose a friend or a gig that's fine because I'm building myself back up in the process and frankly at this point in my life, my needs are more important than anything. Momma agrees.

THINGS THAT SUCK ABOUT HAVING A JOB

1.) SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE A DICK
So all of your friends are interning for free or unemployed and you just can't seem to relate to their wasteful misery. I mean, you have things to do! Outfits to present! Responsibilities to take AND money to make! When you meet a stranger who is unemployed, be sure to feign embarrassment about your job and talk it down as much as possible. You'll make way more friends this way.

2.) YOU'RE MISSING OUT ON LIFE
Remember when you used to wake up hungover at 2pm? How about drunken summer vacations? You can now forget about all of that meaningful life-DNA because from here on you're going to be a slave for the rest of your life! You probably won't have time to date, see movies or listen to cool new CD's anymore. Look forward to a life of Netflix vid's sent back before viewing, online dating that never bears fruition and drinking indoors.. In bed. (Unless you open your own business but even then you have to pay crazy taxes which is even worse than not having vacation).

3.) YOU PROBABLY HAD MORE MONEY BEFORE YOU WORKED
This is a phenomena that can't be explained but it's true and common.

4.) NETWORKING
The best thing about your best friends is that they don't know or care jack shit about what it is you do. That makes it especially hard when you're suddenly forced to get drunk and not-bond with a bunch of industry-specific people.

5.) TAXES
I have no idea how this shit works. I hear they're a noble cause and civic duty but I still think the concept is pretty rude and presumptuous.

ON THE OTHER HAND:
you will encounter plenty of opportunities to wear shoulder pads and sometimes you may even find presents like such:

CONFESSIONS

When I was young I used to be super self-conscious about my Mariah Carey obsession. I mean, in 7th grade when all of my friends were listening to dumb crap like Blink and Limp Bizkit, I was thinking Glitter was the cat's snuggie. But it's not like I could really go around Catholic school talking that shit uppp... So it wasn't until last week when I chilled with this awesome/chic lesbian dominatrix with an out and proud Mariah obsession that I realized cool and interesting people love Mariah Carey too so I can just get over it and come out:

Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel is the only thing I've listened to in 2 weeks.

2 MUCH OF SOMETHING IS JUST AS TOUGH

My life can be summed up by the old adage "all or nothing". What I mean is that I usually either have twenty friends in my life or none at all. Four dates or zero. Two pairs of harem pants though I shouldn't have any. I guess right now you could say I have too many friends, not enough dates and SUDDENLY OMG WAIT FOR IT... serious job prospects. PLURAL. If good things come to those who wait, 4 months of post-graduation sunemployment was long enough. Sure I gots my tan on but I gots days to fill and/or billz to pay (I say OR because two options are stunning albeit unpaid). Now just to pick the right J.O.B. and I'm on my way to being a certified paper-chaser. Remember: no romance without finance.

KRAZY SLAP IN THE FACE

Alexi Wasser is one funny cookie. Her blog, IMBOYCRAZY is according to her "a pep talk in the form of a slap in the face in the form of a blog". As if that wasn't a mouthful, her series "the blind leading the blind" is a weekly top ten of valuable life lessons peppered with snark. Sometimes it's silly, sometime it's serious but it's usually funny and it's always right. Here is my top ten list of Alex's ''blind leading the blind"

1. if you’re put on hold for longer than 9 seconds, hang up/press end.

2. stop TALKING about what you’re GONNA do and just DO it. nobody will believe you anyway until it’s done and you’ve actually accomplished something.

3. if he only texts back to your phone calls, move on. you’re better than that. i love you.

4. it’s bad manners to drink out of a glass/cup/mug with a spoon in it.

5. how about you answer your FUCKING phone? I KNOW you can see your phone. i KNOW you know it’s me.  I mean, you’re constantly checking it when we’re TOGETHER. i guess you just don’t wanna talk to me. and that’s FINE. as long as YOU’RE fine with the fact that YOU’RE DEAD TO ME. unless you’re busy working, then i totally get it and it’s fine. just call me back.  xo

6. all we have is our stories.

7. social anxiety happens when you’re not supposed to be where you are! So keep the fuck away from those creeps! Or develop a higher opinion of yourself, so anywhere you are is the place to be!

8. it’s ‘BY ACCIDENT’, not ‘ON ACCIDENT’.  proper example: “he hit her BY accident.”

9. YES,I KOOOOOW: ultimately it doesn’t matter what people think of you, as long as you like who you are. BUT giving up on how you present yourself and chalking it up to ‘who gives a fuck’ is kind of a cop out too. you could miss out on some exciting experiences and opportunities: in life, with men or women, or just how you see yourself. NOT making an effort in how you put yourself together isn’t the best choice either. 

10. always dress cool! That way, no matter what comes up, you’re ready to go! that includes cute undies too! just in case you get in a car accident and the ambulance driver or EMT is a stud! 

HONORABLE MENTIONZ
11. i think it’s sooo important to makeout with everyone, and have up close and personal pillow talk with cute and/or interesting dudes….but don’t get locked in! have an awesome fling, and then get the fuck outta there! you’re too sexy and young to get in a rut! no matter what your age or sexy factor! I’m serious. dead serious.

12. all the beautiful girls take the stairs. if you’re ever in a situation that presents you with the choice of taking the stairs, elevator, or escalator: ALWAYS take the stairs! at the airport, in the metro/subway stations, wherevs! It’s THE thing to do! It works the legs and the bum! skip a step with each leg, it’ll totally hit the problem areas faster and harder!

IMBOYCRAZY

Relationship Soundtrack.

Jezebel writer Hortense posted a piece today about relationship soundtracks. I know you know that couple who carefully constructs their relationship to a painstakingly self-conscious playlist of the right lyrics and the right indie bands. You at least know of a couple who would do that.

The most definitive song of my last relationship is hands down "That Don't Impress Me Much" by Shania Twain. This is because for two bizarre weeks in 2006, that song haunted us everywhere. Like within 14 days, at bodegas, taxis and laundromats, he-who-shall-not-be-named and I heard the song at least 10 times. Inexplicable. It wasn't even a good song in 1995 and yet 11 years later it was all over Manhattan radio. That was obviously a major moment, and so I resultantly sneak a laugh whenever I come across the song in a karaoke book. I usually end up singing it too. Isn't that a better memory than a contrived mix-tape?

The obvious success of that relationship might betray what I am about to say but whatever. Spontaneity and randomness trump. Never could I sift through my iPod to find the "perfect" song that would be able to "perfectly" (and oh so hiply/awkwardly) say what I wanted to communicate. I guess this explains my instinctual repulsion by Scar-Jo/Pete Yorn collabo CD's. You know who is going to be listening to that sh*t and with what intentions. The problem is, if you don't subscribe to the hipster canon of musical history, you and your partner probably have uniquely nuanced musical tastes. Instead of forcing one to the other side or vice versa, you have to embrace the funny, the unavoidable and the present. Otherwise it's all a sham.

Feel free to be creepy and share a laugh with my ex and I. At least do it for the leopard luggage and sassy talk:

Thirsty Thursday

Let me tell you, summer has been. a. blast. I thought post-grad unemployment would be the pits but boy was I wrong.

10+ hours of sleep a night plus no dire daily commitments means I:
A) look consistently rested (a new look for me) and
B) am a YES person for the first time in years

I also get to talk on the phone all day and hear gossip. The fact that my phone convos are usually with Human Resources departments and said gossip usually pertains to the financial disaster of the companies I interview with does little to stomp on my outlook.

So yeah this summer was very odd but it was mostly a bitchin' time and disposable/fun indie dance songs like this one make me appreciate the temporary unpredictability of my life as of August 13.

THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO GO BACK IN TIME AND CLEAR UP WITH MY CHILD SELF

1.) There are no AIDS-infected needles hiding in phone booth coin return slots. Go start a safety coin-fund, you'll be happy you did when you're 22.

2.) Your pager is lame and none of your friends beep you anyway so throw it away or give it back to your dad.

3.) Quit bitching to mom and dad about wanting to follow your dumb 6th grade friends to public school. You have a hazy purple cloud looming over your pubescent years and you'll probs get jumped on the daily if you don't go to private school.

4.) Watch more TV. Shows of the 90's come up in way more conversations than any book.

5.) Your private parts will never "fall off".

Heavy D

I can always count on Lauren's Facebook status updates to make me rethink some existential decision I may have made at some point in my life. So considering I have been boldly announcing a major move to Boston (think $300/month room in my BFF's house), imagine my dismay when I logged onto my account yesterday and found myself assaulted with this:

"...If I left, it would be because I was enticed by an outside force or because I wanted to explore a part of my life that would be better explored elsewhere. But not because I would be done with New York. When New Yorkers leave the city, it’s probably the first time in their lives they say 'it’s not you, it’s me' and truly mean it."

A little too ironic considering just days earlier, I had wasted an entire New York day justifying my migration decision to my very opinionated, if embittered ex-boyfriend. But was I in actuality just wasting a day with cheap attempts to justify Boston to myself? From that convo, I remember a hangover-induced rant against New York-centrics and the pressing need for New Yorkers to realize that other cities are just as special. This happened to occur in the second floor "dining room" of a very depressing Herald Square Dunkin Donuts Xpress, and I am prone to environment-induced fluctuations in core beliefs.

Although my present situation (see homeless, unemployed) seems to bear zero options, "where there's a will there's a way" is a cliche for a reason. It must work. Hmm. Sometimes I think I'm too passive-aggressive to ever really make a bold move of epic grandeur in order to cement myself in New York.

I'm starting to get a clearer picture of what I want out of life. Real friends, a cozy apartment, a safari-trip would be nice. What would be most awesome though, is freedom. That is, time and space to live, think, imagine and create (stuff). I am about to have my first piece published which I thought would make me a nervous wreck until I realized this piece really isn't about me at all. I mean I wrote it, but I was deliberately marinating tone and thought to accommodate someone/something else's form. Hobby becomes job.

I want to continue writing, brainstorming and maybe shoot the film I have been agonizing over for a year, but will an office job and its accompanying hours/brain destabilization destroy any impetus to create? I need to pay bill$ like whoa but I also don't want to get too comfy making money in a lame fashion. I tend to sleep really comfy in stupid positions.

As Lily Tomlin once said, "The only problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat." Maybe a break will be good or maybe I need to stick it out. Dunno.

THIS on the other hand.

Let me take this down a note.

Much has been made of late about the dismal state of the economy and its effects on the high-risk world of high-fashion. Lacroix, one of Paris' most celebrated couturiers, risks losing his company to bankruptcy in one of history's most epic fashion tragedies. Further, the colonialist expansion of luxury mega-brands into emerging markets juxtaposed with the recent shutterings of promising young lines such as Emma Cook and Veronique Branquinho, can only confirm that we are in a state of flux, a seismic shift in values.

This weekend, Cathy Horn published an essay, The Bigger Picture, on her New York Times blog that had fashion folk atwitter. Providing a thought-provoking, if directionless, musing on the current state of fashion, Horn reignited ideas of fashion vs. style and luxury vs. "luxury". Check it out, it is quite good.

If we are in a state of reassessing values and notions of modernity, the giants above had better take heed. How can a company as pedigreed as Hermes expect to maintain an ivory luster when their CEO admits to breeding crocodiles in order to keep up with demand for exotic-skin handbags? If I were to honestly express my vile fashion romanticism, my $80,000 Birkin had better be tailored from the skin of a specimen caught in an imaginary feat of danger and bravado. Is the crocodile-skin Birkin fated to the same genetic oddities as a Purdue chicken?

Let us take a step back and reassess our relationship with our clothes. I recently sold off a healthy portion of my closet to consignment and thrift shops. Coming to the realization that an overflowing, hunchbacked rack of insignificant options and show-pieces only serves to create more anxiety in an already hectic time was crucial. Now I carry less, and care more for the things I own. If consumers begin to make similar realizations, perhaps the Darwinian nature of the fashion world can fertilize itself on innovation, quality and progressive thought.

I did it first!!!

YSL Cruise 2010

Sketch circa Spring 2008

wah. wah.

One of the worst possible ways to start a day is being forced to confront the brick-wall reality of your life after waking up from an epically perfect dream.

This is the day

As if this week's graduation didn't deluge me with enough stress, I was shadily laid off from my restaurant job today. I know it's not anyone's fault and the restaurant biz sucks but I am still pissed off. I'm trying not to take it personally while keeping a fair opinion about my ex-manager's lack of decent communication. It's a really shitty transition when you go from relying on a weekly job to not knowing when and from where you're next paycheck is coming.

The good thing is that I am being forced to confront situations that are making me rethink stuff. Like how I have a Raf Simons jacket hanging in my closet which doesn't even fit me yet I'm freaking about how I'll be able to afford my best friend's birthday tomorrow. This is unnecessary stress. I'm going to sell that jacket because there's no reason for me to have stupid shit I don't need when all I want is to laugh with my friends and be able to get dinner and a drink. (Also, it would be nice to not snack on grated parmesan cheese)

The economy sucks, sure, but there are still jobs here and there and if you don't believe you're the absolute best person out there, then you probably won't get one. I guess I have too often held the concept that there are better candidates. Fuck that, I'm awesome. I'm working on my photography and will probs be freelancing this summer but above all, hopefully I'll come to some better conclusions about what I want/need. AKA stop stressing about guys/money/jobs and just enjoy the fact that I know a lot of stuff and that my friends love me and I contribute the most to my relationships when I am happy. So be happy, be funny, be interested (it makes you interesting) and everything will fall into place. No one likes a downer, unless you can both laugh about it.

SOS

The upside to graduation is that I got this sick Canon Rebel Xsi + a 50-250mm lens so that I can do something besides jerk off and read Edith Wharton stories all day, right? So I'm sitting in our cute but very generic hotel room scraping for interesting things to shoot, and utimately decide my feet are a good subject. Seriously, don't ever take a high-resolution photo of your feet because there is no way the results will please you. Like WTF happened to the shape of my right foot and when did I get a fungus infection on my big toe? I know I wear some pretty inconvenient shoes but so do most good women and on the occasion that they wear sandals, I rarely notice such atrocities as mine. What does everyone (you) do to keep your feet pretty and presentable in narrow shoes that don't allow socks? And don't tell me to wear socks because I DON'T WANT TO.