RESOLUTIONS

Do these work? I never really made one but I they seem to be pretty popular. 2009 was hectic so I'm trying to smooth out OH TEN like I'm bathing in Febreze. If you can't think of anything, here are some suggestions but don't copy all of mine!

- When you're laying in bed tonight, (important: AFTER you touch yourself) think a lot about what you want to do every day for the rest of your life. Unless you're going to be a teacher, there are no more summer breaks (and even then you have to go on lame retreats), so whatever you choose now you might have to stick it through everysingleday til you die. Only choose the job that makes you super happy/isn't boring/is the most far-out.

- Quit smoking. I did and it was really easy so you can too.

- Use your phone. It has a caller/receiver for a reason! You're only promoting the end of human interaction by texting and sexting and bbm'ing all of your important convo's that are supposed to be delivered with the warmth and comfort of a voice.

- Forget about Lady Gaga for a little bit and RECOGNIZE:

THE YEAR IN PASSING

THINGS I GAINED IN 09
weight
employment
lovers
Oliver People's sunglasses
long hair
wisdom

THINGS I LOST IN 09
weight
employment
lovers
a lot of clothes
long hair
sound judgement

THINGS THAT SUCK ABOUT HAVING A JOB

1.) SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE A DICK
So all of your friends are interning for free or unemployed and you just can't seem to relate to their wasteful misery. I mean, you have things to do! Outfits to present! Responsibilities to take AND money to make! When you meet a stranger who is unemployed, be sure to feign embarrassment about your job and talk it down as much as possible. You'll make way more friends this way.

2.) YOU'RE MISSING OUT ON LIFE
Remember when you used to wake up hungover at 2pm? How about drunken summer vacations? You can now forget about all of that meaningful life-DNA because from here on you're going to be a slave for the rest of your life! You probably won't have time to date, see movies or listen to cool new CD's anymore. Look forward to a life of Netflix vid's sent back before viewing, online dating that never bears fruition and drinking indoors.. In bed. (Unless you open your own business but even then you have to pay crazy taxes which is even worse than not having vacation).

3.) YOU PROBABLY HAD MORE MONEY BEFORE YOU WORKED
This is a phenomena that can't be explained but it's true and common.

4.) NETWORKING
The best thing about your best friends is that they don't know or care jack shit about what it is you do. That makes it especially hard when you're suddenly forced to get drunk and not-bond with a bunch of industry-specific people.

5.) TAXES
I have no idea how this shit works. I hear they're a noble cause and civic duty but I still think the concept is pretty rude and presumptuous.

ON THE OTHER HAND:
you will encounter plenty of opportunities to wear shoulder pads and sometimes you may even find presents like such:

NOTHING OF NOTE

I log onto this site every day and I still have to guess between three possible passwords each time.

You know how Vanity Fair publishes the "My Stuff" column every month? I think I'll give it a whirl:

HOME
Where do you live Today, my ex-boyfriend's futon
Favorite Art Abstract Expressionists: Morris Louis, Jackson Pollock, Frank Stella...
Sheets Target faux fur throw. Throw it in the wash!
Stationary blackbery messenger
Favorite Gadgets my camouflage Tamagatchi
Favorite Neighborhood Restuarant Mcdonalds. they're in every neighborhood.
Favorite cocktail Bud Light
Favorite dessert sugar waffles from Le Pain Quotidien
Favorite Snack altoids

CLOTHES
Underwear neon, striped H&M bought in an emergency in Barcelona at 9am complete with sassy phrases on the waistband
Sneakers Converse
Watch like once a month
T-shirt fruit of the loom. sleep to work.
Day Bag Promotional tote bags
Favorite Accessory sunglasses I bargained 50% off UPDATE: Oliver People's Daddy B
Favorite Designers Tom Ford, Alber Elbaz, Nicholas Ghesquiere
Favorite Gemstone R*U*B*I*E*S

INSPIRATIONS
Favorite Discovery the children's VHS aisle at the gay porn emporium BLUE ROOM on 8th avenue
Necessary extravagance shower time
Massages never
Favorite place in the world London, New York, Berlin
Charities anywhere I can get a free tote bag
Favorite Movies 2001: A Space Odyssey, The Wiz, Casino, Funny Face, The Man Who Fell To Earth

BEAUTY PRODUCTS
Mascara The pink & green Maybeline tube
Shampoo Olive Oil from the black beauty aisle
Mosterizer Cetaphil
Hair Products Fredderick Fekkai glossing cream
Perfume Creed Silver Mountain Water or Jo Malone Fig and Cassis
Toothpaste actually Ultrabrite
Soap St Ives oatmeal body wash
Haircut: myself or Eric @ neighborhood barbers
Eyebrows waxed by Nobody

IN THE PAST THREE WEEKS I HAVE

1 Scored a job
2 Been verbally barraged by Cuba Gooding Jr. while driving
3 GRADUATED

KRAZY SLAP IN THE FACE

Alexi Wasser is one funny cookie. Her blog, IMBOYCRAZY is according to her "a pep talk in the form of a slap in the face in the form of a blog". As if that wasn't a mouthful, her series "the blind leading the blind" is a weekly top ten of valuable life lessons peppered with snark. Sometimes it's silly, sometime it's serious but it's usually funny and it's always right. Here is my top ten list of Alex's ''blind leading the blind"

1. if you’re put on hold for longer than 9 seconds, hang up/press end.

2. stop TALKING about what you’re GONNA do and just DO it. nobody will believe you anyway until it’s done and you’ve actually accomplished something.

3. if he only texts back to your phone calls, move on. you’re better than that. i love you.

4. it’s bad manners to drink out of a glass/cup/mug with a spoon in it.

5. how about you answer your FUCKING phone? I KNOW you can see your phone. i KNOW you know it’s me.  I mean, you’re constantly checking it when we’re TOGETHER. i guess you just don’t wanna talk to me. and that’s FINE. as long as YOU’RE fine with the fact that YOU’RE DEAD TO ME. unless you’re busy working, then i totally get it and it’s fine. just call me back.  xo

6. all we have is our stories.

7. social anxiety happens when you’re not supposed to be where you are! So keep the fuck away from those creeps! Or develop a higher opinion of yourself, so anywhere you are is the place to be!

8. it’s ‘BY ACCIDENT’, not ‘ON ACCIDENT’.  proper example: “he hit her BY accident.”

9. YES,I KOOOOOW: ultimately it doesn’t matter what people think of you, as long as you like who you are. BUT giving up on how you present yourself and chalking it up to ‘who gives a fuck’ is kind of a cop out too. you could miss out on some exciting experiences and opportunities: in life, with men or women, or just how you see yourself. NOT making an effort in how you put yourself together isn’t the best choice either. 

10. always dress cool! That way, no matter what comes up, you’re ready to go! that includes cute undies too! just in case you get in a car accident and the ambulance driver or EMT is a stud! 

HONORABLE MENTIONZ
11. i think it’s sooo important to makeout with everyone, and have up close and personal pillow talk with cute and/or interesting dudes….but don’t get locked in! have an awesome fling, and then get the fuck outta there! you’re too sexy and young to get in a rut! no matter what your age or sexy factor! I’m serious. dead serious.

12. all the beautiful girls take the stairs. if you’re ever in a situation that presents you with the choice of taking the stairs, elevator, or escalator: ALWAYS take the stairs! at the airport, in the metro/subway stations, wherevs! It’s THE thing to do! It works the legs and the bum! skip a step with each leg, it’ll totally hit the problem areas faster and harder!

IMBOYCRAZY

Thirsty Thursday

Let me tell you, summer has been. a. blast. I thought post-grad unemployment would be the pits but boy was I wrong.

10+ hours of sleep a night plus no dire daily commitments means I:
A) look consistently rested (a new look for me) and
B) am a YES person for the first time in years

I also get to talk on the phone all day and hear gossip. The fact that my phone convos are usually with Human Resources departments and said gossip usually pertains to the financial disaster of the companies I interview with does little to stomp on my outlook.

So yeah this summer was very odd but it was mostly a bitchin' time and disposable/fun indie dance songs like this one make me appreciate the temporary unpredictability of my life as of August 13.

THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO GO BACK IN TIME AND CLEAR UP WITH MY CHILD SELF

1.) There are no AIDS-infected needles hiding in phone booth coin return slots. Go start a safety coin-fund, you'll be happy you did when you're 22.

2.) Your pager is lame and none of your friends beep you anyway so throw it away or give it back to your dad.

3.) Quit bitching to mom and dad about wanting to follow your dumb 6th grade friends to public school. You have a hazy purple cloud looming over your pubescent years and you'll probs get jumped on the daily if you don't go to private school.

4.) Watch more TV. Shows of the 90's come up in way more conversations than any book.

5.) Your private parts will never "fall off".

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE WISH LIST

Hey friends!
I love you guys so much, thanks for being nice. It's been great helping you deal with your problems and helping you pass exams and getting you laid and whatnot. Anyway, some of you missed my birthday in January. Also, I was pretty nice when I didn't oblige anyone with a lame graduation party. A couple of you have offered beds, but to the rest, if you still want to be friends, you might consider giving me a token of your appreciation. So I made this list:

1.) Jean-Paul Goude "Jungle Fever". You can find this on Amazon or at Resurrection. It's not cheap but I'll let you scan copies.


2.) Arthur Elrod orange laquered and snakeskin console. This is at Todd Merrill Antiques in Noho. You get to keep it until I get an apartment but plz don't let people put their drinks down without coasters. JOSH.



3.) Pair of Joseph Andre Motte velvet club chairs. Also at Todd Merril. Hey maybe they'll cut you a deal on the chairs and console! You'll get to sit in the other one while I give you friend therapy!


4.) Oliver People's "Daddy B". Okay, these are at Bergdorf's and I'll only accept them in tortoise.


5.) Opening Ceremony M15 Boot. Hey, maybe that cute salesguy/model Jesse will give you/us his number!



6.) A Morris Louis drip-painting. Come on, you'll have awesome trips in my apartment just looking at this AND you'll feel really chic when you pay for it!


If for some legitimate reason you're a friend-on-a-budget, the following CD will sustain our friendship from being null and void.

OR Smencils. Scented pencils! I'll send you passive-aggressive notes that smell like strawberry-banana!

Thanks guys! <3,me.

What I Learned Today...

...from browsing mom's Patek Philippe magazine:

1.) Manolo Blahnik studied Art & Architecture in school. I'll add him to the ranks of Tom Ford, Jil Sander and Raf Simons; prolific designers who passed on formal fashion education. Contemplating how external training influenced each designer's vision.

2.) Seeds are beautiful.

3.) My dream watch, the Patek Philippe 5074 can be mine for the modest tag of $615,000. I am very anti man-accessories but a good watch is vital. Patek makes the best, and the 5704 is by far the most handsome. I'm nuts about the marriage of rose gold with slick black crocodile skin, hugging an ivory face with just the right amount of traditional detailing.

At the price of a modest home, am I totally absurd for thinking I would rather live in a shanty so as long as I could have this beauty hug my wrist?

5 THINGS I WOULD RATHER DO THAN APPLY FOR JOBZ

1.) Interview for a job
2.) Turn down a job offer because I have so many options
3.) Finish "The Age of Innocence"
4.) Shoop
5.) Shop

NICE THINGS ABOUT THE SUBURBS

1.) People really notice when you go for a run
2.) There are a number of great places where one can sing in private
3.) The impossible-to-get-a-table-at restaurants aren't that expensive, the portions are ginormous and if you miss the big city, just remember that everyone in Times Square eats here too!
4.) Strangers pee in your ditch, not on your stoop
5.) No pressure to look cute. Ever.
6.) Mom recurrently asks "who let the dogs out?"
7.) I comfortably live on the same daily budget as a third-world adopt-a-child

Home for 2 days and typically stressing about everything that I am probably not missing in NY. Eat me, Hamptons.

Oh just some things.

1.) My mommy doesn't approve of my exciting new job prospect because it is in her words, ''gay''.
2.) I have sold off about 50% of my closet to Buffalo Exchange in exchange for one night of drinking.
3.) KFC refused to honor my free chickin meal coupon on the basis that it is mother's day. Apparently they expect to cash in on this baffling trend of people spoiling their mothers today.
4.) Spotted: Christian Louboutin dance shoes FOR MEN at Jeffrey. They were black and beautiful.

5.) This post is a call for help. My aggressive but necessary Benadryl use is making me a bad person: sleepy, less funny and blah.

PS Does anyone want to let me couchsurf for the month of June? I cook, clean and I never leave passive-aggressive notes.

THINGS THAT GO WELL TOGETHER

1.) Sequin dresses and ACE bandages

2.) Chili and wooden spoons
3.) Anna Selezneva and Hedi Slimane

4.) Brandy and Monica
5.) Sex and "Today Was A Good Day (Instrumental)"
6.) Junior Mints and popcorn
7.) My hair and Photobooth

8.) Owen Pallett and Laura Brannigan


THINGS THAT SIMPLY DO NOT MESH

1.) Britney Spears and Dsquared
2.) My face and polaroid film (no examples necessary)
3.) Inebriation and a McFlurry
4.) Amy Poehler and a starring primetime role
5.) Seasonal Affective Disorder and academic deadlines
7.) Alicia Silverstone and Nation for Marriage
8.) An interesting blog and this strange new world of tweeters/ADD

FREE MAKEOVER

Due to many recurring 5am nights working on papers, proposals and pretentious video-art projects, I have slowly come to aquire certain physical attributes normally associated with the "crackhead''. Sunken, bruised(?) eyes, eroded arms, and hair with the texture and malleability of a set of pipe-cleaners have all come to characterize my latest spring look. What fortunate timing, as I have like, no money to shop.

While I have been perfecting my date-ability, my best friend Josh
a) ran the Boston marathon
b) raised several thousand dollars for autism awareness/research
c) finished his Impressionism paper on time
d) got drunk

And now I must go watch The View cuz Beyonce is on and I want to hear here sell me Obsessed. Seriously, how awful does that shit look? So glad B made a mistake.

Things that make me cry (or like really close to tears)

I'm not generally known as a "cryer" per se. I mean, there was the one time in which I found horrible shit written about me on Juicy Campus but I got over that quickly and even eventually came to be proud of the shit-talk. I almost cried again when the site shut down as there was now an absence of interesting stuff about me floating around the net. I never cry over relationships, but I sometimes find myself trying to because I think I should. It's super pathetic and never works. I am human though, and do suffer from minor moments of extreme anxiety just like everyone else. Anyways, since list blogs are so the shiz right now and I have nothing else interesting to talk about, here's what actually does make me cry, or at least bring me c l o s e:

1. When my remote doesn't work, even if I punch it
2. Overdraft fees
3. Small-talk assault from the cashiers at Trader Joe's
4. When the tailor/dry-cleaner/shoe repair man doesn't have my shit ready on time
5. My mom suprising me with dentist appointments on the rare occasion that I go home
6. Color wheel cursor on Macs
7. When that one bottle of wine wasn't nearly enough but you don't want to think you're an alcoholic
9. Getting caught in a lie/act of gossip/regrettable circumstance
10. Forgetting to fill in the subject line on a professional e-mail
11. Watching yourself sit idle as a deadline passes by
13. Peeing while pooping

11 Things I Would Sometimes Rather Do Than Go To Class

1. Sleep
2. Drink
3. Watch Felicity
4. Daydream about getting a Brita filter
5. Watch Dynasty with French dubbing
6. Wash my underwear in the sink
7. Ride in a car
8. Dust porcelain objects
9. Eat an entire box of frozen cookie dough stoned
10. Smoke two cigarettes
11. Read Marc Almond's biography

But that's just me.

How I spent my Friday

Woke up at 12. Three hours late for class.

Go to the gym instead of class.

Had lunch at Think. Alone.

Hit on at said lunch. A very beguiling extended conversation ensues.

Wondering why attractive people never hit on me.

Cash a $50 Valentine's Day check from momma, which I soon realize will just barely cover my electric bill.

Now sad remembering that I had planned on letting that $50 drunk me up this weekend.

Happy hour with my ex.

Happy hour with my ex and now Josh, the Blanche to my Dorothy.

Chinese takeout and Star Wars with my two roommates. I already had dinner but convince myself that it's okay as long as I order brown rice instead of fried.

Realize that brown rice, while healthy, is the equivalent of watching "Evening". Fry that shit.

Not watching Star Wars, fighting with my mom on iChat instead. I say some horrible/dramatic/untrue things and mull over blocking her.

Remember that my meal came with a fortune cookie. Shitty fortune, shitty cookie.

Begin to pay attention to the movie, except this time it seems boring. This contextual observation leads to a mini-existential crisis.

One roommate falls asleep, the other decides to hit the sack shortly after the scene in the garbage compressor.

Alone, in bed, listening to a Mariah Carey shuffle, blogging and wondering where I put this poster which once hung on my pubescent bedroom wall when I was ''straight" so long ago. How effectively it appeased both identities.

Napoleonic Dynamos

Some things that test my patience:

-The combined complaininess and absurdity of blue balls
-Grandiose live treatments of mediocre ballads (Whitney Houston)
-Self-pleasured sommeliers who slowly and inadvertantly reveal their lacking of vital chunks of wine knowledge
-The inability to see something the way you saw it before you were corrected. This includes:
* the Disney "D" which I recently learned is not a backwards letter G
* the subliminal arrow in the FedEx logo
* the line "And I just love your flashy ways" from Biggie's "Hypnotize", which is not "And I just love your fleshy waist"

Some things that have granted access to play with my patience all day long:

-Bacon bread at Allen & Delancey
-Bacon in general